I figured it's about time I posted some original content on here again. Tonight I have practice test belt test in aikido and I'm nervous.
I wrote about a page of stuff about all the techniques I'll have to know, how hard I've been training and how the testing process works but I deleted it. In the end it doesn't really matter. Either I'll pass the practice test and take the belt test in 3 weeks or I'll have to wait until cycling season is over and try again. Either way I'll pass the test eventually and really that won't really change anything because it's just rank.
So what does matter?
Tonight is just another is series of tests to see if I can remain calm under attack. With 20 other people watching me can I remain focused on one person attacking me? Can I make mistakes and not lose my composure? Can I even do something as simple as just taking deep breaths throughout my test?
My evaluators aren't my teachers but myself. If I can learn to go calmly through vicious attacks and by extension through the ups and downs of life, if I can get a little closer to achieving an imperturbable mind., then I'll be a little closer to being the person I want to be.
There's lots of things I want out of aikido and lots of reasons why I do it but tonight I just want to be calm.